Feelings and the Whole Heart

Emotions and feelings are very similar and they overlap each other. But, they are not the same thing. Emotions are the automatic responses we have as we either gain or do not get the things we desire. (See Learning our values through emotions.) Feelings, however, come out of the conscious and subjective interpretation of our emotions.

We do not control emotions; they just happen to us. Feelings, however, are what we make of our emotions. Emotions wash over us as an instinctive function of our body. The reaction is quickly spent, but then we think about it as we remember it. Our feelings are this part that remains.

As we think, we also choose how we will respond to the emotion we experienced. Importantly, our response could either be in a way that is healthy or that is harmful.

The emotion and the feeling that follows often go by the same name, but not always. They are different parts of our experience, so we might experience one emotion and respond about it as a different feeling.

For example, we might suddenly experience an emotion of hurt about something someone said to us, then realize they were just "hangry", help them get something to eat, and afterwards retain no particular feeling about it.

So, we experience an emotion, think about it, and it becomes a feeling. Our mind is involved.

This is important because Jesus calls us to love God with "all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind", and "love your neighbor as yourself." (Matthew 22:37,39) God wants our whole heart and for this we need our mind involved in our feelings. And, God wants us to live life in relationship with others.

Directed Feelings

It is important that we recognize our emotions and our feelings. If we ignore them they will still affect us, and it will be in unhealthy ways because of the repression. However, if we acknowledge the emotions we can then choose the direction of our feelings. And we can also choose our behaviors that result from the feelings. We can go towards feelings that bring health to ourselves and love to others.

The following list is a chart of significant feelings and the influence they can have either toward good relationships or how they can be destructive in relationships. Although these feelings are all listed separately, we often experience them in combinations, so there will be multiple effects among them in the practice of our life.

The center column is the list of feelings that you experience. Your feelings will not be the whole truth of the situation. But, what you are feeling is truth about what is happening in you. Each of these feelings exposes a part of us where we are in need of something. It exposes a vulnerability that we have because of our neediness.

• We could try to cover up, protect, and insulate ourselves where we are vulnerable. However, that leads to impairment inside us and ultimately to isolation and death in our relationships. (A response toward harm.)
• Or we could admit the need and be vulnerable. These needs are genuine human needs and they are all relational. Finding them met in God and through people we will gain gifts internally that strengthen us as persons and make us more alive in relationship. (A response toward health.)

 

 

Discussion

The first impression of some is that this is a collection of negative emotions. But is that true? Positive things can come from all of them depending on your response to them. They are all feelings that we do really notice. So, by being brought to our attention, we can involve our mind and make considered choices.

All the feelings are opportunities for good because by stepping through the door of a vulnerability that they reveal, we are then able to find fulfillment of a need inside us. (The opposite could also be true. If we reject the vulnerability we will find ourselves becoming impaired, especially in our relationships.)

Each of these feelings could go in the direction of health or of harm to relationships. Notice that addressing these needs is done in relationship - either with God or with people. But, in all the impairments we end up alone.

So, we can choose harm or health, death or life. God loves you and wants you to live, to live by love like that of Jesus.

 

Feeling Hurt

• We don't like to be hurt and we instinctively try to avoid the pain.
• If we let ourselves be hardened by pain we will bitterly resent those that have caused us pain. We will then seek to have revenge on them.
  • Ignoring the pain stores it to return later and makes us less resilient.
• Because of our hurt we have a need for attention in relationship. When we are given loving attention, we gain healing from the hurt. And, we gain courage because we know we are not alone in life.
  • Attending to someone in their hurt helps them heal even while they remain in pain.
  • Courage comes from a heart that is strengthened to face the pain in life.
  • Living life in relationship with others is risky because it allows others the ability to hurt me.
  • But, to have a life of healthy feelings we will inevitably have pain, and so living life well in relationship takes courage!

 

Feeling Lonely

• When we feel lonely, we want to be known.
  • "We all are born into the world looking for somebody looking for us." - Curt Thompson
• Trying to escape loneliness, we retreat into apathy. From this we can become so disconnected that we end up with no relationships. We will have nothing to help us recover from the loneliness.
  • When deep into apathy, we so block ourselves off that we cannot be touched by any pain, anything good, or any other thing.
• When we are known, someone sees into us (into-me-see). This intimacy banishes loneliness.
  • We want to do life and experience all these feelings with someone else, not just propositionally (not just the what happened), but with sharing the feelings too. Loneliness is the really wishing and the looking for that person.
  • Someone saying they are lonely is an invitation for them to be known.

 

Feeling Sad

• Sadness has to do with grieving. Sadness reminds us that people, places and things really matter. When we lose these things we experience sadness.
  • Every relationship we have on earth ends with pain. Even the good ones will end! (at death) We have to be willing to experience sadness because the deeper our attachment to a person or thing the greater will be our sadness when we will lose it.
  • As we make choices in life we gain some things, and exclude others. We lose those things we did not choose, which we might also have wanted. And so we still experience some sadness about not getting things that we desire.
• With self-pity we attempt to comfort ourself from loss, but actually we isolate ourselves. We we end up in demand, demanding others make up for our losses.
• The meaning of comfort is the gaining of strength. Comfort: "with fortification". With comfort, we can grieve our losses. From this we gain acceptance, the ability to accept what we have lost. And so then we can move forward with life.
  • The central value of Christianity is the antidote for loss because it willingly sacrifices for others, and trusts in God to supply the needs of our heart.

 

Feeling Angry

• Anger lets me know that I care and what I care about. Anger spurs us to movement and gives us clarity. We have anger about things that really matter to us.
  • Anger is not rage. (Rage is a terror response.)
  • Anger cares deeply, and that is risky.
• If we do not want to go through the pain of caring (because we do not know if we can make a difference about it) we will instead shut down our care, giving us depression. Depression says to the world, "You can't make me care any more." This depression deceives us into thinking we have taken some control. However, the depression is only destructive to the life and soul of a person.
• There is real vunerability in anger as we express our voice over what we care about. It reveals our deep concerns and passons. Maybe these won't be accepted by others. But there is worth in the risk because it can connect to other people who also care. By healthy anger we channel our voice to be heard into constructive passion and make a positive difference in our world.
  • Healthy anger remains thoughfully connected to our vulnerability and retains control of self. Rage, in contrast, separates itself from vulnerability and is out of control. The healthy anger of another person invites us to also consider what we care about. Regarding the rage of another: we just want to get away from it!
  • Constructive anger reaches for life. Sometimes it can be loud, but quiet, determined, constructive movement can also be of anger.
  • Anger is willing to deal with the pain of going toward something that really matters.

 

Feeling Fear

• Fear alerts us to danger in the world.
• From fear, our anxiety lists all the things that could go wrong in an attempt to prepare for problems and try to control the future. This anxiety feels like control, even though it is not. So, instead we will rage as a terror response because we do not have the control we want.
• We can look for help, protection and refuge from a trusted source in our fear. This is by faith in who we put our trust, one from whom to gain wisdom.
  • Fear is not an opposite to faith; fear acknowledges the dangers to us in our fallen world, and so faith reaches for help in the dangers.
  • By gained wisdom we can live in ways that reduce dangers.

 

Feeling Shame

• Note: Some other languages have words both for a good and bad sense of shame. Unfortunately English does not distinguish these aspects of shame so well. Humility and modesty represent the healthy version. (Let's call it "+shame".) Feelings of disgrace or dishonor represent the bad. (Let's call it "‑shame".) Both senses will be used here.
• The feeling of shame (both versions) has to do with how we look at ourselves. We are made with inherent limitations.
• -Shame looks at ourself with self-contempt for what we cannot be and cannot do. This results in a hidden self because we reject how we are made. We despise who we are, thinking it is disgraceful. Sometimes instead we pretend to be what we are not.
• +Shame tells the truth about myself: about what I do well and where I am limited. It is a healthy modesty. Our human need is for this self-truth in relationship.
  • By this honesty, our need for attunement with others can be satisfied. It says to each other, "About this we are in tune. I am with you." This attunement can slowly wash out the poisons of ‑shame.
  • In relationship we both recognize the same thing about myself: about who I am and who I am not. This is humility and is a great gift.
  • We must be careful to also give this gift to others. Condemning others for their limitations by (for instance) talking down to them or telling them they aren't any good can be very damaging as they grow through time.
• There is no dishonor in being human. God made us as carriers of his image - a very great honor. And God deeply, deeply loves us.

 

Feeling Guilt

• Note: One sense of guilt is a matter of the facts: we either are or are not in a state of guilt about something. However, guilt also has a second meaning as the feeling that will be talked about here.
• Guilt informs us we have done something wrong to someone. It could be toward another person or toward God (or even toward self). Guilt is an invitation to reconciliation.
• I may refuse to own up to what I have done to the person. Instead of admitting the offense in relationship, I preemptively isolate myself by self-condemnation. By choosing to be hard on myself in isolation, I convince (deceive) myself I don't have to deal with the issue in relationship. This continued willful ignorance results in a seared conscience. My conscience will become unable guide me well about right and wrong in my actions.
• By owning guilt we are able to admit wrongs we have done to others and ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness gives freedom from the guilt.
  • Through guilt we know about our offenses. Keeping them a secret makes us carry a heavy burden all the time. Through forgiveness the secret comes out and we are free; the burden is gone.
• After someone has given forgiveness to you for a painful offense, they might worry that you will forget what you had done to hurt them. Their body lives with a fear that they will be harmed again. So, they may bring it back up to you to remind you. Instead, by proactively letting them know (at appropriate times) that you are remembering, you will re-assure their confidence in you and your love for them.

 

Feeling Glad

• Gladness is not a goal. Gladness realizes that the moments of our life are fleeting, but even so it is worth doing them well. And especially then, those moments are worth noticing. If we live our other feelings well, we feel glad. Real gladness comes indirectly.
• If we seek directly for gladness, we won't get it. So, we will accept stimulation of our senses as a substitute because in the moment it seems to be somewhat the same thing. Sensuality without heart comes from looking to headonism, risky activities and obsessive living to try to feel alive. These things though leave an emptiness in the heart because they did not come out of living from the heart.
• We need recognition and celebration of life lived well. Since we know these moments of our life won't last, the gift of joy comes also with sadness of it ending.
  • We are made to be attached and connected to others. And we want to celebrate the joy in life with them.

 

Our Calling

As shown above, Jesus calls us to love God and love people. Interestingly, love is not one of the feelings in the chart. This is because love is involved in every one of the eight healthy feelings. Love is missing in all the eight impaired feelings.

The value of sacrificial love for others is the engine of good relationships. Jesus is our example of a life lived well by this value and with feelings. And we are called to live life with feelings, in relationship, by love, like him.

These feelings are tools for understanding yourself and to help yourself grow as a person. Think about them and use them to help you change and open up your heart.

They also are an opportunity to help others grow. First, the way the feelings work will help you understand the other person. From this understanding, teach them about how their feelings work, while also inviting them to life in relationship. If they will respond to you, you will both be able to grow.

The Whole Heart

Our great need in all these feelings is for relationship. The healthy side of all our feelings comes only through relationship.

Feelings show a need in us, and for that we are vulnerable. It can feel risky to be vulnerable. We could wall off our heart from these needs, but then we become an impaired and isolated person. Or, we can move into the vulnerability, accepting it and seek a solution in relationship. Then we can live with a whole heart.

God wants us to live in relationships characterized by sacrificial love for each other, connected with him and connected with each other. We cannot be this kind of people if we wall off our heart from others. And so, God wants us to be whole-hearted people.

 

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These eight feelings and chart are not original to me. There seem to be many sources of these ideas available, unfortunately without attribution. For excellent in-depth content on this topic, see resources from Tinman Ministries including their video series on the topic. Development of these ideas from Jeff Vanderstelt.